decided to stop taking my meds. When my ppa takes over I tend to clean the house to keep the panic monsters away and I couldn't wait for anxiety to start up because I had things to do. Clean the house. Garage sale prep. Exercise. It worked. Stuff got done. However not a good idea.
I really didn't do this intentionally, however, for some reason I forgot to take the damn things. Now not only had I paid for this, but my husband, and my poor daughter has experienced some sort of repercussion. Since I've been on the meds I haven't experienced any anger issues. Prior to getting the prescription I was consumed by panic attacks. I now have seen this angry side that many postpartum sufferers experience. And it is frightening. This is road rage times 10. I can go from zero to sixty in nanoseconds.
Such an out of body experience, I'm in slow motion and can't stop myself. I snapped so easily today. Everything made me so angry. I swear my laptop was pissing me off on purpose. Husband's inability to see dirty dishes pissed me off. The damn dog following so closely I trip. Much needed coffee made me nauseous, that pissed me off. Daughter crying for some unknown reason. Crying daughter sets me off because I can't 'fix' her. Husband not able to calm her-now I'm pissed again at him. Why is it he can't remember how to take care of her?
Tonight was horrible. I was horrible. This 'side' of me was horrible. Must remember this out of body experience, wasn't really me. I yelled. In front of my daughter and didn't stop until I saw in my husband's eyes what MY yelling was doing to our daughter as she was behind me. Walked off not without slamming doors so hard windows rattled. Even after my epiphany I still continued my rage, albeit in a different physical location. Put myself in the shower and cried. I cried because I don't want my daughter to think of me as a yeller. Especially one who yells at her daddy thinking I would possibly do the same to her.
After my cool down in a hot shower, husband apologized. I told him I was sorry also and confessed I had been off my medication. Never was he to throw this back in my face; if I'm angry he can't assume I'm off my meds again. Now I've got to deal with the side effects again- I loathe the headaches as it feels my head is in a vice. Mood swings until the medication levels off, but my angry side will be less torrent. I will look back on this incident and realize the meds won't work if I constantly stop and start them; subconscious or not medication manipulation is a bad idea.