After two recent deaths I was all too eager to see my therapist. No more lorazepam so I took up Benadryl to help me sleep at night; after today's session I might not need it. I felt very relaxed afterwards. Topic today were these deaths and how it affected my ppa.
It basically comes down to perspective. Mine however was on the extreme dark side...of course. Horrible dark tunnel I was all too eager to be in. I want a healthy percpective of death. On the otherside however, I don't want to tie it up with a pretty little bow and say God had called to them and now they are by His side. Nothing wrong with that, as I now realize that's 'their' perspective and how others handle grief.
I felt myself in a condtradictive struggle dealing with this subject. Then "elated epiphany" happened. My struggle was my heart felt belief about death and the part of me mortified about death because of a reptilian need to survive. I remembered my philosophical view came to me at the young age of 6. My therapist then suggested I find a picture to represent this belief as a reminder to calm my fears.
My thought was death was like standing at the edge of swimming pool about to jump in. The fear is thinking the water is going to be so cold, but once in the water it is realized it's a perfect temperature. Death is the transition from being dry out in the world to becoming buoyant in a tranquil thermal equilibrium state; neither hot nor cold.
My picture as a reminder of my belief- an infinity pool. Perfect. I've found my, err, rediscovered my healthy outlook on death, and the water is fine.
I think my ppa is trying to make an appearance. I take comfort in cleaning. So maybe my ppd is slowing down. I should redo the master bath closet. I also have been putting up ads on cl using html code to make it stand out. Even made a video to show the cappuccino machine I'm selling really works.
As long as I keep busy I'm not 'thinking'. If I'm not thinking then I feel less depressed. I really work on making sure I don't have short fuze with my lo which can happen with depression.
I play skyrim also as a way to just take a break from 'stuff'. I'm glad I'm not eating my feelings this go around. Working on getting garage sale stuff together this week is a priority so I will have plenty to do.
I would like a happy medium...a medium period. I feel like this going back and forth from anxiety to depression won't end. I prefer the anxiety, as I've said before at least my house gets cleaned, over depression. Depression- and I just want to sleep and do nothing else. Then the guilt comes in making it worse because I don't want this to be my daughter's earliest memories of her mom either sleeping, sitting or eating.
Really not sure what happened to the before me, gym rat nutritional nerd. This postpartum stuff is exhausting. And where is my gentler more forgiving side to remind myself statistics show a mother having a baby in her 40's and being a stay at home mom is a double whamy. It will take me twice as long as a mother in their twenties who works out of home to physically, mentally and emotionally feel even close to my pre baby self.
This talk of 'supermom'? I don't give a flying duck fart I just want to be 'normal mom'. Keep telling myself this too so shall pass. Please pass quickly. On my good days I take a step forward. Then bad days visit and I can go from 2 or more steps back! Keep concentrating on the one step forward is difficult when I start to feel all for naught. These ppd days I am reminded how the pregnancy support and postpartum support is very different.
Not just talking about medical support but family/friends support has also changed. No one really mentioned that part about pregnancy. Although I did have a friend discuss how while being pregnant others will treat me as though as I no longer exist it's all about the belly. And said friend did make sure her attention was directed towards me. Wonderful. But what after.
During the first few weeks plenty of family and friends, even medical staff called, emailed or texted to check in on the new mom and new baby. Almost 16 months later the newness has faded and so has the support. It's tough because my pp issues haven't faded, still here. This is where I feel like when will this pp stuff fade. Where is the light at the end of this pp tunnel? Maybe ppa will fade in tomorrow and my ppd will fade out long enough for me to at least get this house cleaned.