AM Outside this morning. Lovely to have the mind run with nature.
Darting dragon fly
AM Observing unwanted controlled chaos.
PM Controlled chaos stillness
Day 10 9-5
Day 11 9-6
AM Extra 5 minutes, my body wouldn't sit still. Mind followed.
PM Sat to sit.
Day 12 9-7
PM Nose Biopsy, red hair don't care!
Still sat to sit still! (mic drop)
Day 13 9-8
AM 10 minutes of noise, hard sitting still. Buses, garbage trucks and pets.
Day 14 9-9
AM Rain today. Inside catio unable to sit still.
I have started to meditate morning and night. Just in the first week I have noticed a decrease in my anxiety and how much I look forward to sitting and doing nothing. I use a singing bowl, journal my after thoughts and take a picture of my view. I decided to start the eve of my birthday!
Aug 27 Day 1
PM Meditation, transforming. Made the singing bowl sing briefly. Monkey mind rampant hard to pull myself out and remain on the bank of the river of thought.
Aug 28 Day 2
AM My birthday so I slept in! 10 minutes went by fast. I centered, took a couple of belly breaths and said aloud, "I am doing nothing." I let monkey mind run crazy. Amazing to see the chatter, squirrel chasing bouncing from thought to thought. Until tonight-blessed day.
PM- Darting thoughts had to remind myself it's ok to let them run. Do nothing. Outside the studio I hear the sprinkler, cars in the distance while watching the light fade into a faint pink. Beautiful. Sweet dreams.
Day 3 Aug 29
AM- Monkey mind was attached to body. I couldn't sit still this morning. My cat and dog also decided to join me. I maybe had a couple of minutes where ADHD thoughts ran without me and tried to get me to go along also.
PM- Monkey mind calmer tonight was able to sit in stillness and let the mind run. Lots of nice thoughts about my garden and studio future.
Day 4 Aug. 30
AM - Calmer this morning. Lots of thoughts and daughter in background yelling for me. Until the evening. Oh also felt an emotion: happy/content. Usually just thoughts.
PM- Lots of thoughts trying to make me move, became aware of them. The river flowed fast, reminded them to run they didn't need me.
Day 5 Aug. 31
AM- Challenging mind wandered and took my body. A couple of times I didn't realize for some time the and body ran off!
PM- rough day filled with panic, my mind kept storytelling. Kashi sat with me tonight. I let my mind tell the stories while sometimes my body followed. I enjoyed hearing a neighbor mom laughing while she was jumping on their trampoline with her son.
Day 6 Sept 1
AM- outside on patio, easy to let go and watch monkey mind run. Nice cool breeze and bright sun. Nature just being as I just sit to sit.
PM- Daughter joined me, it was lovely to share the space. Thoughts tamer, thinking of the Brown family suffering with Ami's failing health, I hugged each one in spirit.
Day 7 Sept 2
AM- In the studio this Saturday, while I sat I watched a squirrel be a squirrel. Lots of thoughts. Tonight I will try the porch of the studio, feels good being outside to meditate.
PM- Yoga in the studio, hot yoga 100 degrees, lasted 23 minutes. Mind went happily running all over after yoga. Tonight I will sleep well.
Thank you for joining me this week. Hope to see you next week maybe inspire you to meditate along with me!
It's been almost a year since I removed my personal facebook account. My "facebook facade" account for further reading about privacy issues I have. Even had a 30 day wtf trial run for feeling 'social depression'. The only accounts left are Twitter and Facebook and both of these are for my MotherChuckler blog; these are great for advertising for business. A new issue I have noticed is since I'm now less sharing my personal life and not having my friends posting sharing everything I have more time reading others. People I don't know. By taking me out of the social equation, what was left was other people.
However a side of myself was exposed along with observing how strangers behave. I noticed how quickly people throw stones, the mob mentality and rampant witch hunts avalanche at frightening speeds and force. One such occasion was about a tow truck diver that refused to pick someone up because of her political choice displayed on a bumper sticker. I jumped to facebook and Twiter to toss my two cents in because, well he's a jerk, should be told by me because why? I'm not Jesus. After which I left my 2 cent post but followed up with sure he was a jerk and made an ugly choice but I too went down to his level and chose ugly words about another human being. I felt some how I did the same thing he did.
I then went to my facebook and added a post: (notice the post after was a mean meme I had created and that people retweeted or liked- about a person who used a disease to boost her sales.)
Today before nap, the University rape case, the perpetrator got a slap on the wrist and even worse his father made some ignorant comments in a letter to the judge, showed up in my fb newsfeed. I had to read. Then jumped to twitter wanting to post and throw some heavy negative stones at both him and the father. Then I remembered. I don't do this anymore. Instead I started reading others' comments. Condemning. Witch hunts even for the judge. Mobs bashing with verbal beatings. It's so easy to get behind the computer and just start blasting. Sure felt a little better when I had a bad day, but I don't want my bad day to purposely make someone else's worse that's not who I want to be.
Then the nap happened. Background and will update my anxiety issues, is my anxiety has been improving immensely; however I needed ativan after this dream.
I took my 4 year old daughter, in the dream, to Seattle via bus and her purple roller skates (of which she doesn't have). I am there to pick up my college certificate (I got my AS in 2009). The city was bustling with proms and university activities. We were getting lost in a valet parking garage. Cars going everywhere. Barely slowing down for a mother carrying her daughter and skates. She fell asleep in my arms and skates in the other. Still in the garage, we were crossing over to the valet station for help and directions. I stepped up to the curb and the skates fell out of my hands into a pile of shoes the valet was cleaning up.
I said, "Excuse me, the skates mistakenly fell in your pile, these are my daughter's". The male attendant told me he can't be sure, he didn't see it fall there so he has to take them to the office. He refused to talk to me and didn't direct me to anyone else. I flagged another person explained the misunderstanding thinking this will be quickly resolved and she said, "No, we don't just give this to anybody." I was starting to get upset not understanding what the freak is going on here!
Then all of sudden every employee felt the need to come up to me to remind me I'm not getting the skates back, I should've had them labeled, why didn't you get a valet ticket, why would that child you have wear purple when he's a boy, those skates can't be hers they are too big. Person after person, none stop. Finally I collapsed crying, sobbing I just wanted help and compassion. An employee even threw the employee book at me about the rules.
Thinking I found the answer through a manager, she just started asking me questions about my daughter, what school, grade, her friends and kept saying she was Jonathan. In my head I thought, "Oh God she thinks I kidnapped a boy and what started out as a misunderstanding about skates this thing is going to blow up into a kidnapping"! After her interrogation in light as she needed to see my daughter's face she was convinced I did not take the boy.
Relieved, I thought now we can move on get those skates. She flat out said, "Not going to happen." I begged and cried and I said, "Look she doesn't have shoes on because she was wearing those skates!" Another person threw a tagged rule page and stuck to my forehead painfully. On my knees again people just kept coming and coming at me, not letting me explain what really had happened. One woman came to help me up to my knees and she started shooing the others. But even she couldn't get my skates. The dream ended after I left a message for my husband to come pick us up.
This dream shook me up so much I had to take an ativan. I realized what had happened. Twitter came to life. People I didn't know bombarding me with judgement, literally being tagged, prejudice not knowing what happened, mobbing me making me feel shame and fear! I know it was real Twitter life because they couldn't say more than 140 characters!
Only one person out of many had compassion. I hope in real life this isn't the case, but reading other peoples' comments these days I feel maybe this is it or maybe there are more but don't want to say anything for fear of becoming a target.
I fear for society as a whole, how has the social media beast changed us? I fear for my daughter. She's 4 and I'm starting to teach her when she gets compliments from someone, I tell her those are someone else's thoughts; good or bad it came from someone else's head. Just as you have your own ideas or thoughts, those are the thoughts and ideas you should pay close attention to; others', pick and choose their words that make you feel happy and good.
We shame ourselves in our own way, we judge ourselves in our own way we don't need to shame others; so much shaming. Instead of focusing how the father wrote a letter using poor choice of words, those are his words, his truth I thank the Goddess and God and the almighty his choices are not my truths, instead go uplift the victim. Send actual cards with written words, flowers, a gift, something special to uplift her! Don't use your powers or waste your time on those you feel should be condemned, use your powers to help good your time is valuable your choices are so powerful be what's right with the world!
Yay, I am returning to the gym! Been so long I had to come up with a workout routine. Looking forward to the sauna after every workout! This really should help with my anxiety. Planned on getting up early before husband leaves but thought I'm a night owl and up late anyway I might as well go while he puts R girl to bed. This way I won't feel rushed to return home.
Some me time finally! All the reading I can do while riding the bike! Good for the body, mind and spirit!
20 min cardio
Shoulders Biceps Back
30-60 min Walk Bike
15 min cardio
Inner Outer thigh Leg press Calves
30-60 min Elliptical Bike
20 min cardio
30-60 min Walk
15 min cardio
I won't make this another long preachy why I hate fakebook post so it will be short and will leave a link worthy of a read about Facebook. I've already in the past deactivated it for part of my 30 days of WTF series, but this time I am deleting which by the way takes some time to find and two weeks to complete. Mark must REALLY like me and not want to see me go. Nay. He doesn't want me to go because I am money to him and his greedy investors.
Before my soap box swells, I will leave with this. I had one friend text me what was up and if I'm on Facebook. "No deleting my account. Read an interesting scary article about them. Data broker, access to financial records, CIA accessibility and can access the microphone on our phones to just 'listen' to our lives. I also got tired of the social sloth aspect; no one really connects just self promotes. More negatives than positives I found. This makes me work to connect with my friends rather than skimming feeds (which by the way if I didn't 'like' your posts enough Facebook sorta removed you from my feed) to find out what they are up to."
Yes before anyone comments pot meet kettle, I have kept my business account open. The bottom line is Facebook is for profit not so you can socially connect with your friends and family. It's a guise which luckily for them and their investors billions are under the Ruler of the Ruse's spell . For businesses it's easy marketing because there are more pro, "I have nothing to hide. I don't care I will share." supporters than haters and for businesses that equals profits; posting is for profit, thank you for your over sharing.
For more detailed information Salim Virani, a techie and directed at a world leading marketing agency wrote an article, "Get Your Loved Ones Off Facebook".
"Partners." Source Institute. N.p., n.d. Web. <http://source.institute/>.
Virani, Salim. "Get Your Loved Ones off Facebook." SaintSal. N.p., 29 Jan. 2015. Web. 15 Oct. 2015.
The past year I had a couple of friends 'disappear'. Not really vanish, just left my life without a word or a good bye, even when I reached out just to make sure they were physically safe. My two other friends and I decided to have a mock funeral for one of these women. It's a way to give us closure, a reason to get out together and an excuse to have sushi...well one eats teriyaki-something-as-long-as-it's-not-sushi. Still, we love her so we let her sit with us.
The second friend has disappeared in the past before; her relationship or life goes south and she goes missing. I had a dream the other evening about her and woke up missing her a little. I did some digging. Found her no longer with her baby's father, so that could explain why she went missing again. Did even more digging and wished I hadn't. Found she's a nude model that 'sensualizes' drug use. Nothing against pot smoking or even sexy pictures but I couldn't even finish viewing the rest of her photos because my eyes were welling too much with tears. These photos are accessible to anyone forever. Her child's friends can see.
I didn't see a confident independent beautiful nude woman. I just saw someone who maybe was confident because she high. There is a lot to be said about a beautiful woman not posing nude. I didn't see an independent woman there either. She has the habit of becoming the men she dates. If one was a wine connoisseur she became one also. If one was a marathon runner, she became a runner. Now she's a photographer.
Nothing wrong with discovering a new interest from someone you are dating but becoming their interest is just a form of conforming; not independence. My younger self was guilty of this also. I felt if I could become interested and surround myself in their interests it would keep them around longer. Luckily I grew out of this by my late 20's. I would take an interest in their hobbies but never more would I obsess or take up their hobbies.
What happened to sisters before misters. Or hoes before bros. Chicks before dicks. Your female friends will be there for you unconditionally (usually if not ditching them); if you're taking up your man's hobbies to stay relevant then you've already placed conditions on your relationship. Your female friends are your moral compass. They help prevent your brain from going stupid when your body parts are wanting to 'do' stupid. I for one wouldn't vag block but certainly would interject if she starting to get a little stupid.
I can only surmise this is why my two friends left; didn't want to hang out with a moral compass. I have been missing them dearly and hope the best for them but a friend to think it's okay to ditch for a dude isn't a friend. Also hope my daughter realizes sooner than I that men may come and go but if her heart gets broken, a good friend will be there to help mend.
Preface: This was a draft left sitting on my site since 2014. In case you didn't know bec means "bitch eating crackers". Also please avoid further reading if you get upset over words like queef and vagina.
for the obgyn i saw today, her condescending attitude was
AND for my vagina's inability to queef on demand as her face
warranted such a queef.
er worthy pain past 5 cycles and writes it off as my endo.
Me: i'm too afraid of stroke risk i have ppa.
Her: she laughs in delight and says no your risk of stroke is higher in pregnancy.
Me: while i was pregnant i was well aware of all kinds of risks
Her: being pregnant should've cleared up the endo,
Me: no it's most likely returned.
Her: well having the lap and pregnancy can clear it up.
Me: well i'm not going to get pregnant to temporarily relieve
the endo issue.
Her: laughs and says well of course not.
I said years ago I was on it (bcp) along with vicodin because of the pain, so fine.
Her: she returns to my ppa and said so you're on medication for it?
then she busts out a list and practically fills it in for me...
Her: tiredness? why yes you are you're stressed
back pain? yes it's what we all mothers have
of course you're a mom
i just nodded my head in agreement because she had ALL the answers
i asked about a hysterectomy.
her: oh no. it won't happen. unless your pain is severe and there
is a reason.
my head: apparently i will need to visit the er every cycle then
before these idiots take me seriously
Her: i think we've met, you look familiar
My head: oh no cunt i would've remembered you and
said no to seeing you (note to self won't be seeing her again)
then ends the visit with have you been on bcp before?
my head: you fucking condescending cunt obviously can't hear because i already
i hope someone queefs in her face today and may
she have to dive down into a hairy abyss that
resembles old blue cheese and smells of wet rotten doritos
then return home to cry. because she made me feel so stupid and because as soon as any medical
professional hears or reads i have ppa/d/ocd they really then talk down to me
and write my concerns off as it's stress from my anxiety.
whoop there i go crying again. way to make the crazy
i believe it's the medical community that
helps perpetuate the stigma that comes with
Update: I am a month out from my hysterectomy which in it's own right deserves a post; but at the moment dealing with a cold, my toddler and toddler herself has a cold.
Busy with the failure of the flu shot- 2 bouts of bronchitis and started homeschooling. R girl only wants to sit on the potty at night. At bedtime. My sister asked if I was rewarding her for her actual potty in the toilet efforts. The reward was a diaper I didn't have to clean- but what about the kid? Ahhhhh, reward the kid; makes sense. Doh. Thanks sis!
So I made a chart! The system is easy. She gets a sticker every time she makes it in the potty. Every five stickers she gets a prize, which will be a dollar store item. After 30 successful toilet trips she will get a "big prize"! Thinking a trip somewhere fun for the whole family. Well, Daddy took it step further. Number 1 or Number 2. If she pees in the toilet she will get 1 star. If she does a number two she will get 2 stars!
Within 20 minutes of putting the chart up,she received 1 star! Woohoo! Maybe there is something to this reward the child bit!
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